Runner's Remorse

I promise that this will be my last post for the day, but given my recent history, I thought I should utilize the 23 hour detention to your advantage. It could be another week before I post anything else. LOL

So, on to the runner's remorse, as I have chosen to call it.

With all of the conflicts I have endure throughout the past few months, it has been extremely challenging trying to get back into running. I know I will never be as fleet on my feet as Miss Gabrielle, but it is not about being good enough to compete or keep up. I want to run because of the health benefits and it is true that runners are genuinely happier people, this attributed to the runner's high. It is a sedative for my soul. Helps to keep me sane.

Just one year ago, I was able to complete 6-7 mile runs with no problem. Then came the exhaust poisoning which I think has done some detrimental damage to my lung capacity. Next came the leg issues with the first permanent truck swap. The first time the pains were noticeable, they were manageable. It took awhile to figure out what was causing it. Swapped trucks, leg issues resolved. Then I stumbled through the challenges of finding the right shoes. After seeking out the help of a professional, I was led astray with the wrong type of shoe and hindered my progress even more.... Finally got the shoes I needed and swapped trucks again. Back to the drawing board, except this time the pain was so prominent, I considered ending my career as a driver.

Well, I have the "good" seat back. But I am not in my truck, so I am suffering through this week.

During the course of all of this, I have noticed I still feel very good about running. The run on the beach in Florida fueled my passion to not give up.

Knowing how wonderful I feel after running, I sought out the first opportunity I could manage to get a run in this week. I hit my little Appalachian route in Virginia. It was not to be. I could barely manage. I think the furthest I could progress without a walk break was .67 miles. My legs were dead. My lungs were on fire and there was sooooo much tension in my shoulders that the straps on my sport bra were cutting into my shoulders. My chest felt as if someone had cinched me up in a corset one size too small. ( For the record, I wore the same bra only 3 days before with no problem, so I don't think it was a clothing issue) It was only a 4 mile excursion, but I found I had to walk most of it. I was determined to not give up. As long as I could get the mileage in, even if I had to crawl.... I found myself about halfway finished, standing on the edge of the road, pulling the straps off of my shoulders for relief and crying my eyes out...

Why can I not do this.... All I am trying to do is something good for myself. Something that I want. Is that so much to ask?? Really??

I have noticed through the past few months, my distance is declining at a gradual rate. I keep trying to push myself to finish a small goal, but at the end of each week, realize it is taking longer to do the same distance.

At this rate, I will not be able to make it to the mailbox by Christmas.

I am not giving up! I will not let this defeat me. As long as I keep moving, the tide should turn eventually, right? You know, sometimes it feels as if life is out to get me.....