Silly Little Phobias

This is probably the silliest thing you will ever read on this blog. Not silly as in ha~ha, but more along the lines of ' You have got to be kidding me'

One of the things that has been bothering me lately is how empty my life feels. There seems to be a lack of personal relationships with people other than family members. Well, I do have friendships with some of my business acquaintances. But I could have many more. I am a people person. I have no fear of engaging strangers in conversation. I am quick to humor people with my witty sarcasm.

But I have this tiny little phobia that seems to eliminate many people from remaining in my life.

I can not call people on the phone.

Except for a few family members, I do not generally call someone just to chat. I can come up with three excuses for why I am not able to phone a friend. All three reasons seem stupid to me at this point, but I still have anxiety over dialing a phone number. If someone calls me, however, I will chat for hours.

1* I was not allowed to use the phone much as a child/teenager. And I was forbidden to phone a boy! Yeah, I would think I would be over this by now, and I am sure it does not play a big role in my anxiety but I am just trying to cover all the bases.

2* I have dated a few guys in my lifetime that when I would try to reach them, they would be doing something they should not have. You know, for instance.... cheating with another female. Then I would be lied to about why they would not answer the phone, and later find out that the other woman was with them when my call came in. This should not have anything to do with calling friends, but it still plays a role in the anxiety of it all.

3* Septmber 11, 2001. Believe it or not, 9/11 plays a tremendous role in my inability to be able to call people. On that morning, after the news had spread, I called every single number stored in my cell phone. I had plenty of service, so it was not the fact that the signals were jammed. I called family and friends, co-workers, employers... every number!!! I could not get a hold of any one.... I got answering machines and voice mails, but not one single solitary flesh and blood person. At this point in time, the plane heading for the Pentagon had not crashed yet. But the reports were being aired about the hijacked plane that was supposed to be heading for Dulles Airport near DC. HOWEVER....the announcer on the radio station I was listening to kept mispronouncing the destination. She said DALLAS instead of Dulles. Yeah, easily misunderstood except for the fact that I was unloading at DALLAS (DFW)..... The only thing going through my mind was how close I was. I needed to tell everyone how much I loved them because I did not know if I would live to see another day. NO ONE answered the phone, and I felt so insignificant...

So, now anytime I try to call someone, if I don't get an answer, I do relive the anxiety of it all. Of how insignificant I felt that day. Well, not everytime, but quite frequently. Oh, and not with family members.

So.... why am I bringing this up now....

Because I have made several new friends in the past few months and I can't call them. Yes, a few of them are male and have called me on occasion, but they always ask why I never call them. I can completely understand why they would question me on this, but I can't give a legitimate answer. I would take it wrong myself if someone never called me. I have no problem sending a text or an email, but heaven forbid I actually dial a number. I am sure I have lost a few potential friends over this same issue.

So, what do I do? Do I confront my fears and just start dialing numbers. Sure people are busy and can't always answer. I understand that, but there is still that trigger that goes off in my brain. I feel the anxiety of it until I hear back from them and that is no fun. This all seems so childish to me, maybe a touch of low self-esteem. I don't get it. In person, I am not intimidated by anyone. But that damn phone can really hurt my feelings.

So, if you have any thoughts on the topic, please feel free to share. It just all seems so silly to me, but I even felt my chest quicken while typing the 3rd item in my little list. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.