I Sound Just Like My Mother...eek
This period of depression seems to have taken me to an all new low. I hate to even bring this to my blog, but I just feel so alone right now. I do not do a written journal, so here is where I choose to dump this crap.
I am having trouble seeing the meaning of it all.
No husband, no children, no direction it seems. My job limits my capabilities of getting out and starting something new that remotely resembles having a normal life. My finances prohibit me from just starting a new job, that resembles a normal life. My social life suffers because I am not around enough to develop normal relationships. I can't have a pet because it would have no one around to care for it.
Am I really just supposed to work every day so that I can provide myself a roof over my head. And the roof over my head just provides a place to camp out until I go back to work.
The thoughts are really weighing on me, and I know better.. I know that everyone enjoys my presence. I know that my acquaintances cannot believe that I am single, because I am soooo awesome to be with. Children love me, animals love me.. I have no problem making people smile or laugh... I leave a good impression in my wake. And I am generally in a great mood 95% of the time.
But right now, I feel so fat and ugly.... I am bitter, which makes me feel even uglier.
The real reason for my depression is that something happened 20 years ago, and it just won't seem to go away.. I have let it go.. Most of the family does not speak of it. It is almost taboo.
Until one of the parties involved was asked a question by a child.
"Why did that happen?" The blame was claimed by the person being asked and the child moved on to another subject....
It was then mentioned to me... I have been depressed ever since. And I don't think it is the topic that depressed me so.... I believe it is the fact that another generation has entered the realm of judging me for something that happened years ago. I love this child, but they have a certain finesse for making me feel inadequate...
Okay, I suck! I screwed up.. If you are going to judge me, please just do it behind my back... I don't think I can take much more criticism...
Okay, now I am going to go watch some sappy love story and hopefully I can get a good cry out of it. I have a lot of emotion pent up right now, and I could really use the release.
Oh, one more thing.... PLEASE do not mention this to that child... They do not need to know anything else about it. I am strong, I will survive, and I will get over this soon..
4 comments:
I am angry, depressed, and bitter right along with you. I am so tired of working hard just to keep my head above water. Ugh. However,
if you feel like you're stuck, in many ways that's a positive sign. It means you're eager to get moving. At least that's what I tell myself!!
How bout I fly out and you teach me to drive a big rig? Yep, we could just SCARE the blues away!
Did I tell about the time I ran into a police car with the bus?
This was a very accurate description of you:
I know that everyone enjoys my presence. I know that my acquaintances cannot believe that I am single, because I am soooo awesome to be with. Children love me, animals love me.. I have no problem making people smile or laugh... I leave a good impression in my wake. And I am generally in a great mood 95% of the time.
I hope you feel better soon.
We all miss you here. And we are really looking forward to your moving here, soon. January is a tough month for all of us who suffer with some depression. I am so glad that you and I have gotten close over the last several years. If you want someone to be your Gail just call (or email).
Post a Comment