Busty Wonder

Rusty

2004-2009

Rest In Peace

I loved this little guy. Meet Rusty. Rusty was my brothers dog. One day, several years back, he came strolling through the neighborhood (a victim of abandonment) and decided that he was going to make himself at home. It did not take long at all to claim him as a member of the family.

Rusty was well cared for, and absolutely cherished. He was one of the best tempered dogs I have ever been exposed to. We all loved him. But last Sunday, Rusty was savagely attacked by some neighboring canines. Rusty has always been confined to his yard and was never allowed to roam freely about the neighborhood. One of the neighbors had a female who was in heat and they decided it was a good idea to let her roam about freely at night. Of course, you can imagine the havoc caused by this. Not only was Rusty attacked in his own yard, but another family pet who lived two houses away was also injured in another battle. I am not sure if the other innocent dog survived, but Rusty died from extensive injuries 5 days later. The offenders were owned by a man who lived a few houses away and he refused to keep his dogs in the fence. In fact, his dogs are now somewhat running with a pack of strays.

I am very sad! And I could rant and rave about this for quite awhile.

What we have here is just another prime example of people being stupid and irresponsible. This did not have to happen! Rusty did not have to be killed this way. He was still young but because one person thought it was okay to let a bitch dog in heat run wild at night, and another thought his not so friendly beasts were also not required to be confined, and then there are all of those people who want a puppy and after a few months, they drop them off in a field or down a deserted road because they no longer want the responsibility. I am angry!! so very angry!!

but mostly

I am very sad.... I love you Busty Wonder!!

Silly Little Phobias

This is probably the silliest thing you will ever read on this blog. Not silly as in ha~ha, but more along the lines of ' You have got to be kidding me'

One of the things that has been bothering me lately is how empty my life feels. There seems to be a lack of personal relationships with people other than family members. Well, I do have friendships with some of my business acquaintances. But I could have many more. I am a people person. I have no fear of engaging strangers in conversation. I am quick to humor people with my witty sarcasm.

But I have this tiny little phobia that seems to eliminate many people from remaining in my life.

I can not call people on the phone.

Except for a few family members, I do not generally call someone just to chat. I can come up with three excuses for why I am not able to phone a friend. All three reasons seem stupid to me at this point, but I still have anxiety over dialing a phone number. If someone calls me, however, I will chat for hours.

1* I was not allowed to use the phone much as a child/teenager. And I was forbidden to phone a boy! Yeah, I would think I would be over this by now, and I am sure it does not play a big role in my anxiety but I am just trying to cover all the bases.

2* I have dated a few guys in my lifetime that when I would try to reach them, they would be doing something they should not have. You know, for instance.... cheating with another female. Then I would be lied to about why they would not answer the phone, and later find out that the other woman was with them when my call came in. This should not have anything to do with calling friends, but it still plays a role in the anxiety of it all.

3* Septmber 11, 2001. Believe it or not, 9/11 plays a tremendous role in my inability to be able to call people. On that morning, after the news had spread, I called every single number stored in my cell phone. I had plenty of service, so it was not the fact that the signals were jammed. I called family and friends, co-workers, employers... every number!!! I could not get a hold of any one.... I got answering machines and voice mails, but not one single solitary flesh and blood person. At this point in time, the plane heading for the Pentagon had not crashed yet. But the reports were being aired about the hijacked plane that was supposed to be heading for Dulles Airport near DC. HOWEVER....the announcer on the radio station I was listening to kept mispronouncing the destination. She said DALLAS instead of Dulles. Yeah, easily misunderstood except for the fact that I was unloading at DALLAS (DFW)..... The only thing going through my mind was how close I was. I needed to tell everyone how much I loved them because I did not know if I would live to see another day. NO ONE answered the phone, and I felt so insignificant...

So, now anytime I try to call someone, if I don't get an answer, I do relive the anxiety of it all. Of how insignificant I felt that day. Well, not everytime, but quite frequently. Oh, and not with family members.

So.... why am I bringing this up now....

Because I have made several new friends in the past few months and I can't call them. Yes, a few of them are male and have called me on occasion, but they always ask why I never call them. I can completely understand why they would question me on this, but I can't give a legitimate answer. I would take it wrong myself if someone never called me. I have no problem sending a text or an email, but heaven forbid I actually dial a number. I am sure I have lost a few potential friends over this same issue.

So, what do I do? Do I confront my fears and just start dialing numbers. Sure people are busy and can't always answer. I understand that, but there is still that trigger that goes off in my brain. I feel the anxiety of it until I hear back from them and that is no fun. This all seems so childish to me, maybe a touch of low self-esteem. I don't get it. In person, I am not intimidated by anyone. But that damn phone can really hurt my feelings.

So, if you have any thoughts on the topic, please feel free to share. It just all seems so silly to me, but I even felt my chest quicken while typing the 3rd item in my little list. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Good News

Well, it seems that my depression seems to be lifting somewhat.. Maybe it helped that I finally got a good cry out of me this past weekend.. It just seems that I have no tears left in me anymore and so it gets harder and harder to vent.

In other news, In the past few weeks, I have not been able to run my beloved NE route at all. When freight slows down, my load is the first to get grabbed up by someone with more seniority than myself. Therefore, I have been running a tad bit closer to home, but my work week has consistently been extended to six days as opposed to my normal four... I have blown out 2 tires, had 2 loads shift, lost a trailer arm due to bolts breaking, been DOT'ed and "shut down" and supposedly blown a Turbo....which resulted in many many many hours of delays and one afternoon sitting on the shoulder of the highway waiting for help. I do not think the Turbo is blown because there were none of the usual symptoms present, but there was indeed five gallons of oil coating every inch of my truck along with about a mile stretch of highway, so yeah, there was definitely something wrong with the truck.

I was also hoping to make a short trip to Bama this month to see the kids, but that has been put on hold. My only weekend free this month was not a good weekend for the folks I was going to visit so, I will try again in March... I will just have to send a goodie box because I already bought valentines and birthday presents for the intended visit. :(

My diet has not been so kind to me this go-round. I can't seem to jump start the loss, BUT... I did quit smoking, and so far without any weight gain... It has been 2 weeks!! I have done very little running during the month of January (5 miles for the entire month, which I believe I did the first week) I pretty much spent every day off sitting in seclusion with my blinds drawn. February is going to be better. I have already logged ten miles in just the first weekend!! So things are looking better on that front.

And just for the record, I am sitting here blogging because I had yet another load shift and it is undeliverable. They will reload it in the morning and I will begin my deliveries on Tuesday. I only made it 80 miles before I had to turn around and bring it back.

Well, Tom Petty is on, so I must go enjoy the halftime show (I am not a Pro Football Fan, but all of my customers are either Patriots or Giants Fans and they would be severely disappointed if I could not exchange banter over this particular event. Besides, that Tom Brady sure is a looker!! and the commercials are usually pretty good too, but Iron Bowl, it is not!!

Oh yeah, spell check is not working so if you find any errors... Get Over It!!

I Sound Just Like My Mother...eek

This period of depression seems to have taken me to an all new low. I hate to even bring this to my blog, but I just feel so alone right now. I do not do a written journal, so here is where I choose to dump this crap.



I am having trouble seeing the meaning of it all.



No husband, no children, no direction it seems. My job limits my capabilities of getting out and starting something new that remotely resembles having a normal life. My finances prohibit me from just starting a new job, that resembles a normal life. My social life suffers because I am not around enough to develop normal relationships. I can't have a pet because it would have no one around to care for it.



Am I really just supposed to work every day so that I can provide myself a roof over my head. And the roof over my head just provides a place to camp out until I go back to work.



The thoughts are really weighing on me, and I know better.. I know that everyone enjoys my presence. I know that my acquaintances cannot believe that I am single, because I am soooo awesome to be with. Children love me, animals love me.. I have no problem making people smile or laugh... I leave a good impression in my wake. And I am generally in a great mood 95% of the time.



But right now, I feel so fat and ugly.... I am bitter, which makes me feel even uglier.



The real reason for my depression is that something happened 20 years ago, and it just won't seem to go away.. I have let it go.. Most of the family does not speak of it. It is almost taboo.



Until one of the parties involved was asked a question by a child.





"Why did that happen?" The blame was claimed by the person being asked and the child moved on to another subject....



It was then mentioned to me... I have been depressed ever since. And I don't think it is the topic that depressed me so.... I believe it is the fact that another generation has entered the realm of judging me for something that happened years ago. I love this child, but they have a certain finesse for making me feel inadequate...



Okay, I suck! I screwed up.. If you are going to judge me, please just do it behind my back... I don't think I can take much more criticism...



Okay, now I am going to go watch some sappy love story and hopefully I can get a good cry out of it. I have a lot of emotion pent up right now, and I could really use the release.



Oh, one more thing.... PLEASE do not mention this to that child... They do not need to know anything else about it. I am strong, I will survive, and I will get over this soon..

Sleepless In Seattle

How can a bright beautiful day tun so dark with no warning?

Wednesday morning started out back in Queens, NY... Jimmy brought me breakfast. Angelo brought me coffee...My friend in Virginia wanted me to stop and have dinner with him.. The sky was beautiful and the sun shining very brightly. For most of the day, I had a song on my lips and was feeling very cheerful..

With no warning, I became very sullen and somber. The reality of my solitude creeps up on me and occasionally brings about depression.

This usually occurs when I am not resting well, or eating good....

I am not tired or hungry. Hopefully tomorrow's sunrise will put the smile back on my face...

Come to think of it, I have not been resting well.. I do get at least 6 hours of sleep a night, but the past 4 nights have been very restless sleep. Waking up multiple times during the night to look at the clock only to realize i have only been asleep an hour or so.. Hmmmmm? That's odd because I don't feel stressed about anything at all..

Wait a minute... I did receive another email from HIM.....

And every time I hear from him, I stop breathing.....

I will always love him....

Too bad it was never meant to be. But with every email exchanged, I tend to lose focus of everything for about a week. That includes sleeping, eating and the tendency to become sullen.. It is a bittersweet feeling for me and I do not regret going through it occasionally, I just hope it does not last too long. I don't like being sad!!

A Time To Reflect

Well, here it is the dusky hours of 2007...

I was just sitting here reflecting on my past year, and the changes that have been made. Where was I one year ago, today.. How has my life been altered?

It hasn't.....

I am in the same position with work that I have been in for several years. Okay, I make a few more pennies. But my point is that I am no closer to being at home every night. No closer to getting off the road... No husband in sight. No pets to snuggle with.

My love life, well, it is in the same dire position that it was a year ago.. No ships sailing in the horizon.

Financially, I may have paid down a few balances, but still do not have the down payment for a house.

It just seems to me that this year yielded no fruit... I am no better off than I was at the end of 2006, with the exception of being more physically fit. And even that needs to be worked on still.

I am not going to post a bunch of resolutions that will go unaccomplished or forgotten by the end of January.... Rather simply, I will acknowledge there are a few things that I need to put more perspective into... Actually work towards some goals and not just state that I am going to do it.

Moving to Alabama in 2008 seems very daunting to me at this moment. The current position I hold right now is the single most consistent thing in my life, and I would be lying if I said it didn't scare the crap out of me to think of giving it up. But I also know this, If I do not give it up and move home, I will be in the exact same situation on New Years Eve of 08...And that my friends, is not acceptable.

I want a home to call my own. I want to sleep in my bed every night of the week. I want to be able to have a pet. I want a yard to plant flowers in. And the only way to obtain all of that is to say goodbye to my beloved NorthEast Route...... I absolutely love that route and all the people I see each and every week.. But I know in my heart, I would love the above mentioned desires even that much more.

Don't look for me to walk away from it in the next month or two, but this is definitely the year it is going to happen.

A Moment Of Truth

I am very blue right now....

I am so tired of waiting for the next boyfriend to come along. I would just like to meet the One. Whereas I never have any problem finding a boyfriend, they just never seem to be the One.

I guess this is just the Holiday Blues setting in, and I am having my own personal pity party. But really, I am 35. No children, no pets, and my family lives miles away... I am planning on making the move closer to home which will help with these feelings, but is it too much to ask that I have someone to share my life with, someone to make life long memories with....

I just feel like having a good cry...but will that solve anything.. NO, oh well... Maybe next year.

The Truth Hurts

During the "Big Move", I stumbled upon some old photo albums. Boy, that brings back memories!! And recently connecting with an old friend really got me stirred up. I began to do a little research on a few people that I would love to contact. I found the name of my first true love listed on a web-site and attempted to contact him thru email. No replies !! I also contacted a childhood best friend. It seems that 18 years might be too big a distance to bridge after all.

I spent the week, reliving old memories and am feeling quite emotionally drained. I guess its time to put away the pictures for awhile, again... In fact I am having a bit of difficulty even writing about this.

Ever have one of those moments in time that changes your life forever?? I did, and it was not for the best. It seems, I might still have some anger issues concerning this event... So, needless to say this has not been one of my better weeks. THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT